A new reason to wear clothes to bed

My brain is mush- this could be hard to recount.

Soooo... 4:30 this morning, my bff's baby daddy shows up at my bedroom window drunk and chatty. "Heyyy... what're you doing" I'm sleeping you asshole! He stands there talking for about 45 minutes. About the weather, my roommate, his problems with his girl... Then he tries to proposition me. EW! EW! EW! Telling me how he's always wanted to ****edited**** Are you freaking serious? At 5am you seriously want me to deal with this? And if I let myself think about it too much there's a strong possibility that he was jacking off right there out my window.

Finally get him to go away from the window, so I shut it and close the blinds. I got out of bed to get my phone and snuck to a front window to see if his truck is still there. Then he starts calling my phone and knocking on the door. At this point I was starting to actually be fearful. He's in the backyard, asking if he can come in to go to the bathroom. Hell no you can't come in you weirdo! "It's a number 2!" omfg! "You're garage is locked too so I can't get in there either. Guess I'll just have to go in the yard...." So really- was he going to crap IN my garage?! And now there's probably a steaming pile of poo in my grass somewhere.

So now it's about 6ish and I doze a little bit in between phone calls and knocks. Dreaming he had somehow gotten into my house. Running horrible scenarios through my head. Dreaming about his crazy ass cutting my grass in the rain. That didn't even feel like a dream. He would do that- drunk- at 6am on a Friday. And then my alarm starts going off. I get up and sneak, that's right, sneak into the kitchen to make coffee so he won't come talk to me again. He hears me sneaking around and starts knocking again. I ignore him and do my best to start my morning.

Cut to me. In the shower. Washing my hair. All of a sudden that asshole is at my shower window!! Talking to me again! While I'm showering. I ignore him, hide my boobies and get out of there, closing the shower curtain.

But wait- I'm not done. He starts yelling again. "I don't know if you can hear me but I locked my keys in my truck." HE LOCKED HIS KEYS IN HIS TRUCK. The truck that is parked BEHIND my car in the driveway. 30 minutes before I have to leave for work.

I put on my robe, open the door and hand him my phone. Knocks again. I hand him the phone book and shut the door. Knocks again. Pen and paper. I go get dressed. Knocks again. Give him some water. Fix breakfast and coffee. Another knock. Can he call the lock people back. It'll be 20 more minutes. I call work and say I'll be late because "a drunk guy is parked behind me and I can't get out." About that time I see him trying to break his own window. With his fist. That's just what I need- a bleeding, annoying, drunk guy. He finally realizes that he can get in through his back hatch, opens his doors, apologizes again and leaves.

And this, my friends, is why I missed New Kids on the Block on the Today Show this morning. And why I'm not so sure if I managed to put on deodorant or even brush my teeth.